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SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, 
beer is unusually pale and clear.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Find someone who will buy you another beer. 

SYMPTOM: Drinking fails to give taste and satisfaction, 
and the front of your shirt is wet. 
FAULT: Mouth not open when drinking or glass applied to wrong part of face. 
ACTION: Buy another beer and practice in front of mirror. Drink as many 
as needed to perfect drinking technique. 

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control. 
ACTION: Go stand next to nearest dog. After a while complain to the owner 
about its lack of house training and demand a
beer as compensation. 

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred. 
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass. 
ACTION: Find someone who will buy you another beer. 

SYMPTOM: Floor swaying. 
FAULT: Excessive air turbulence, perhaps due to air-hockey game in progress. 
ACTION: Insert broom handle down back of jacket. 

SYMPTOM: Floor moving. 
FAULT: You are being carried out. 
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar. If not, complain 
loudly that you are being kidnapped. 

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with ceiling tiles and fluorescent 
light strip across it.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward. 
ACTION: If your glass is full and no one is standing on your drinking arm, 
stay put. If not, get someone to help you get up; latch self to bar. 

SYMPTOM: Everything has gone dim, mouth full of cigarette butts. 
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above. 

SYMPTOM: You awaken to find your bed hard, cold and wet. You cannot 
see anything in your bedroom. 
FAULT: You have spent the night in the gutter. 
ACTION: Check your watch to see if bars are open yet. If not, treat 
yourself to a lie-in.

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet. 
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle. 
ACTION: Turn glass other way up so that open end points toward ceiling

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